Love

People come into your life for a reason. Like Madea (my role model...lol) said "some are seasonal and some are like roots to a tree!" I have had more seasonal people than roots but I am sure most people can relate to that. I don't regret having those seasonal people because they served their purpose and taught me whatever lesson I was supposed to learn at that time and I grateful for that. It is my ROOTS that I have had the honor to have continuous in my life. My most prized root passed away 12yrs. ago. My grandmother was truly a gift from the almighty! Not a day goes by without her crossing my mind. It makes me mad sometimes because I cannot remember the sound of her voice but I see her face ever so clear. She was a remarkable woman and she was my MOTHER! So lost without her here but so blessed to have had her.

When I was fifteen there was another lady that was introduced into my life. I never thought that she would be around for me long. I knew something was different about this lady. Strange thing is, she knew there was something very different about me. She wasn't like the other women my father had brought around. I was amazed because she seemed to really take a genuine interest in me. Most of the time the ladies my dad brought around barely said two words to me. They were only nice because they knew my daddy would drop them quick if they acted any different.

I remember the day I met the lady that I still call "Mommy." She asked me how I liked school and I told her. She even inquired about my grades. Now that may not sound like a big deal but it was for me because no one ever asked or seem to care. Especially not my adoptive mother. Anyway, I had just gotten an A on a poem I wrote so I told her about that and she then asked me to read her the poem. I had never felt so important in my life. I had her undivided attention. Once I was done she did nothing but praise me and told me how good it was. I definitely wasn't used to that so I sucked it all in while I had the chance. I figured I would probably see her again but I just knew it would only be a few more times and her interest in me would have definitely faded. I was so wrong! Her interest became concern, her concern became care and then her care became unconditional love!

My mommy knew there was something going on with me. She told me she could read me like a book. Mommy said I never held my head up, I never smiled. I always seemed timid and scared. I didn't talk a lot, well at least not around my family. She broke me though and then it all came pouring out like water out of a faucet. Mommy was the first person to know all my secrets that I had kept inside since the age of four. I had told some things to my best friend but never the intimate details of my life.

I now had two people in my life, well three because I can't leave my uncle out, that loved me unconditionally. Because I had mommy in my life I gained something that I had always wanted, my little sister. I can't wait to tell you all about her! (Lol). I even gained a brand new family of aunts, uncles, cousins, three more grandma's and for the first time a great gran.

So before I go on to tell this story let me say this. I dedicate my story to my little brother, my cousin and her boys, most of all to my Grandmother (my mom), my little sister, my children and my mommy! I don't know where I would be today without any of them. Then again maybe I do.

Time to Heal

35yrs, Old and I have finally found the beginning of my happiness. So many years of making everyone else happy and putting everyone else above myself. NEVER EVER ABOVE MY CHILDREN but always above me! I did it because I needed the love and the approval. Not once did I want to believe that my kindness was unappreciated and the love wasn't real, but I knew. No what I did there was always that emptiness. There was always the feeling of being incomplete.

People look at me and think they know what I am about. They think they know the kind of person I am. They know nothing!

My journey has been one heck of a journey. I have shared my story with some. It is kind of funny because when I tell my story I get the same reaction almost everytime. The reaction from people who have known me for a long time is usually "I can't believe it!" or "I wish I would have known." The reaction I get from people who have just met me or have just known me for a short while is "I would have never known by talking with you and looking at you."

I started writing a book about the story of my life but I stopped because it is not just them that my story would affect but their families. My story is a very familiar one. It is one that has been told over and over. I am going to tell it anyway and this time I am not going to stop!

My story may be yours and maybe just maybe I can help you learn to deal. I am still learning myself but I have always been the best at giving advice just not as good at taking the advice I give out. (lol)

Writing is my way to heal and I ran from it. I am not running anymore! It is time to face up and let go. Ride this ride with me, it's free....

Before I end my very first post I have to dedicate and thank my sister Niecy. It is because of you and your book that had me start writing again. I thank you for your encouragement and help. I am anxious to share this with you and hope that you will see me who I really am! I love you!